TV recaps, Entertainment, & Pop Culture
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It’s time…
After what seemed like just a few weeks without The Bachelor franchise on our television screens, we’re back! Becca, the heart broken little bird from last season is back tonight as The Bachelorette and she is ready to do the damn thing, as she has exclaimed many times before. Are we ready to do the damn thing? I’m not so sure. I will start off with the #1 spoiler of the season, and I hope the only spoiler (because unlike last season, I won’t be spoiling for myself), Becca is engaged so at least we know how the season ends. Her contestants were revealed a few weeks ago and from what I saw, they were less than impressive. Tonight however, is the real test. Of course we start off with the horrifying footage of the breakup last season and I want nothing to do with it. I have to make it known -- I better not see Bekah K. I want nothing to do with her either. Banning Arie from Minnesota is the most aggressive thing I’ve heard. Like chill the EFF out. All he did was break up with someone. God I’m annoyed already and we’re only at the intro. Becca drives up to the Bachelor mansion and waiting for her there are the latest Bachelorettes: Kaitlyn Bristowe, Jojo, and Rachel. God, I hate Rachel so much. Jojo is so beautiful, I want to be here. They give her some pieces of advice and words of wisdom; then they proceed to sage the house. I don’t know why this isn’t done after every season. Jojo points out that they are all with the guys that they gave the First Impression Rose too, and also who they kissed that night. We’ll see if that tradition continues with this season. Now we’re starting with the guys -- the first man is Clay who is a professional football player. Next, is Garrett who is seemingly a goofball, is doing impressions and lives in Reno which he said 4 times. I don’t like him. Jordan, a pensive guy as he described himself is a professional model and I don’t like him either. He says that being a model is more than being good looking, it’s very taxing. Please, shut up. The next guy, Joe, owns a grocery store and has a very thick Chicago accent and I actually really like him. He’s very handsome, lowkey, and funny. Joe is my #1 pick right now. We have a watch, cologne obsessed man and I’m confused about him. It’s a little weird to have over 100 bottles of cologne. I don’t even have 10 bottles of perfume. Colton is HOT; he was born on Superbowl Sunday and is also another pro-football player but he was severely injured and decided to retire. He opened a Cystic Fibrosis foundation and ok, I love him so much. It’s limo night… let’s meet some men! OMG Colton is first out of the car! Isn’t that a good sign?! I love him. Grant is 2nd out of the car, he is very handsome and reminds me of a lot of guys I see on Bumble/Hinge. Jean Blanc is the cologne guy, he makes her say ‘Let’s do the damn thing’ in French and as he walks away she says that he smells good. Connor is very sweet and cute, he gets down on one knee and then also asks if she is ready to do the damn thing. I can’t take this catch phrase. My guy Joe is next and he admits that he forgot everything he was going to say. That is adorable and I love it! Leo has some weird ass hair and I’m not into him. His profession is a stuntman. I can’t take that seriously. Jordan has to button his jacket before even saying hello to Becca. I can’t stand him. He wants Becca to hear the tapping of his shoes because it’s like the heartbeat of a gentlemen. He says that he will stand out because he’s wearing grey. Someone kill him. Some guy gets out of the limo in a racecar driver outfit and then strips out of it and reveals a nice blue suit. I don’t know if that was the best idea. But it’s not as worst as the next guy who has a cutout of Arie as he gets out of the limo. Garrett rolls up in a minivan and says that he hopes to be a great dad one day, which is why he has a minivan filled with diaper bags, soccer balls and a car seat. WHAT. Aside from Colton and Joe I hate everyone. There’s always one asshole who shows up on a horse and it’s the same asshole from the ‘After the Final Rose’. The next few guys are nameless and annoying; one guy is talking about 60/40?? She wasn’t impressed and neither am I. Then, Jake, who Becca knows, shows up and it’s awkward. WHY IS SOMEONE SHOWING UP IN A HEARSE. Someone else is in a chicken costume. There’s always someone in an animal costume. There is now a gospel choir outside of the mansion. What the hell is happening. We’re done with the limos, Chris Harrison tells Becca about the first impression rose, and she goes into the mansion to meet the guys. PLEASE DON’T SAY LET’S DO THE DAMN THING AGAIN. Ok, they didn’t. Connor grabs Becca and ‘steals her for a moment’. My attention drags during their conversation. Clayton is with her next and they are molding ‘clay’ for her to remember his name; he seems sweet but I’m not his biggest fan. There’s just something about him that is off. WAIT A SECOND. THE INVENTOR OF VENMO IS HERE? Is that what someone said?? *I need everyone to stop bringing up Arie. Please, just let Becca live her life. I zoned out for a bit because Whaboom responded to a tweet that I mentioned him in but I do know there was a short game of basketball happening. The first few episodes are hard to pay attention too because there are just too many guys to keep track of. “I always loved chicken nuggets but David’s personality is great” -- is what Becca just said about the guy in the chicken suit. This is why I was never the biggest fan of her. She is too corny for my own liking. Now Becca + someone are fishing in the mansion pool. What? Why? We’re already onto snitching on guys? Someone is telling a story about Chase, who is not ‘here for the right reasons’. He wants to revamp his marketing firm and the guy knows Chase’s ex girlfriend who told him this. It’s a little early for this, don’t you think? Also, I’m pretty sure Jordan is here for the wrong reasons. Chase is approached by the Chris and he says that it isn’t true. Chase then tells Becca and Becca is totally confused, so Becca waits while Chase goes to get Chris. Then, they both talk it through and it’s just ridiculous. Becca realizes that some guys might not be here for the right reasons, and she immediately goes to get Jake, the guy she knows from Minnesota. She said that there was never any interest on his side and wants to make sure that he’s here for her. They start to argue about how many times they’ve met and she basically immediately sends him home. She can’t consciously keep him there and constantly question his intentions. I think she’s overreacting a bit… I’m just very confused and don’t think this makes any sense but whatever. Becca is serious and not effing around which is fine. I just think there’s drama for no reason. UGH. When she tells the guys that she sent Jake home and it’s been like 10 minutes, everyone freaks out because they know she’s not joking around. Some guy has a Harry Potter tattoo of ‘Expecto Patronus’... which is cool and nerdy and it’s ok for me. Clayton and Becca get some face time and I’m so in love with him. Garrett is getting the first impression rose! Oh hot DAMN. I think it’s really weird because he’s the guy with the minivan. See, her corniness is too much for me. We have 15 minutes left and we might actually be getting a real rose ceremony. She’s keeping Jean Blanc? The cologne guy? SMH Clay is also sticking around… along with some other people I don’t know. Connor gets a rose, who I liked originally so that’s good. Jason? Who is Jason?? He’s so cute though!! WHERE IS CLAYTON’S ROSE??? I’M ALREADY STRESSED AND IT’S ONLY THE 1ST EPISODE. Alex, Trent, Mike and Nick both get roses -- all of who I don’t know. I’ve been calling him Clayton and his name is COLTON. And he gets a rose!! See, I don’t love him that much!! David, the guy in the chicken suit gets a rose. Leo, the guy in the hair and Jordan, the annoying male model get roses. There is one rose left… and it goes to Chris, the guy who ratted out Chase. Aww, it’s a little sad to see all the cute guys leave. They’re really sweet to Becca and it’s sad. Expect Kamil, fuck Kamil. He’s the guy who was talking about 60/40 in the beginning and wouldn’t walk to her. Aww, Joe didn’t get a rose!!!! I liked him so much!! Good riddance to Chase, he’s too done up and has perfected eyebrows. I’m not into it. This is my 2nd season of The Bachelorette and I already know that I like Bachelorettes better than Bachelors. It’s going to be a good season!! See you next week! *OK, WAIT. THE PREVIEWS ARE INTENSE AS FUCK. OH MY GOD. -Someone does Becca dirty like Arie did -Lincoln is BAD NEWS -People are questioning Jordan, obviously -Colton is a virgin -Becca struggles with her decision because she’s in love with two guys… similar to what Arie went through. Maybe she’ll finally understand. Ok, I’m done now. See you next week!
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