TV recaps, Entertainment, & Pop Culture
God, this is getting old now and I’m so happy that I have an outlet where we can go back and see how I slowly lose my mind while watching the most boring season of The Bachelor ever.
Now, while I am bored, this is my first season of “The Bachelor” so I can’t attest to the “ever” part of it.
Arie and his ladies are in Peru, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this excited about being somewhere.
It’s fantasy suite night so we’ll see who gets the good from Arie…
Kendall has the first date of the week; will they be stuffing Peruvian birds?
Nope, they’re going dune bugging and if I learned anything from Real Housewives of Orange County it’s to NOT go dune bugging, but I guess it’s safer with Arie, a professional race car driver than Tamra.
Aww, they do look like they’re having a lot of fun and Arie has never had this much personality.
Kendall straight up says that if Arie asked her to get married today, she would say no. She’s not ready for marriage, at least to Arie so I think she should just save us all the 45 minutes and leave right now.
She’s crying, saying that she can’t go on a fantasy suite with him.
Oh wait… they talk a bit, she does go to the fantasy suite and the next morning she’s cured! Kendall is ready to marry Arie after one night of sex.
This show is ridiculous.
Lauren B aka wet mop is next; they go riding on a plane and she expresses that she’s afraid of getting hurt (aren’t we all, Lauren?) and doesn’t’ like socializing with the other girls. I don’t blame you either.
She’s not hopeful at all, and he’s terrified she’s going to leave him. This is a lot for people who met 2 months ago.
Basically, Lauren wants him to pick her right now and doesn’t want to compete with the other girls anymore. This is not the point of The Bachelor.
Lauren seems too fragile for this show, never mind a real relationship.
WOW, Arie doesn’t just say “I’m falling in love with you”, he straight out says he loves Lauren, to reassure her of their relationship.
They head to the fantasy suite and “How Do I Live Without You” is playing as they kiss, and I just can’t. This is a lot for people who are so boring it’s painful to watch.
I really just don’t understand this show — how do they fall in love in under 2 months? It took like 6 months for me to convince a guy he was in love with me, and even that wasn’t enough.
It’s the morning after, Lauren and Arie are still in love, and I can’t wait to see how the rest of this plays out.
Becca has her date (it’s already 9PM, we have an hour left— what else IS THERE?!)
They’re on a boat, she’s super into him and he seems into her too, but not as passionate (if Arie can even be passionate) as he is with Lauren.
Becca is ready to tell him she’s in love with him, and she says she’s never told anyone she loved them first. Before this, Arie tells her he was scared of him not being able to find anyone in this, or choosing the wrong person.
What an ODD thing to say, Arie dearest.
They end up going to the fantasy suite and the suite IS A FUCKING TENT.
The next morning is all sunshine and butterflies for Becca; she is SO in love with Arie it’s making me sick. Just shut up girl, you sound ridiculous.
Now we see the boyfriend, who I believed until now was Lauren’s ex but it’s really Becca’s. He’s come to win her back because he didn’t know this show ended in a proposal.
Does he live under a rock?
We find out the ex’s name is Ross, he knocks on the door to Arie’s little place in Peru and says he is Becca’s ex.
“WHY IS HOTEL MANAGEMENT HERE?” IS WHAT ARIE THOUGHT WHEN HE OPENED THE DOOR.
I am DEAD. Arie is so savage, this is so funny.
Ross admits that Becca is all he thinks about, she’s the love of his life, and it’s his proposal to give her.
Arie takes a sip of his coffee as he says “Do you think she feels that way?”. This guy is everything.
Arie spills the beans to Ross that they’re pretty much locked and loaded, they said I love you, and they’re pretty far down the road. Now they’re bonding over how easy it is to fall in love with Becca.
This all seems very staged; I mean, ABC definitely paid for this dude’s flight, right?
Arie says he’s angry with the most monotone voice, and straight face ever. He says it’s so unclassy for Ross to do this, but then drops that the dude is a fucking nerd, and fucking crazy and there is some sort of emotion behind him.
Ross leaves to go find Becca, he has some cheesy flowers in his hand, and when Becca sees him, she is STONE FACE.
She asks why he’s here, how he knew she was here, and it looks like she might cry. She doesn’t invite him into her room, and literally just wants this to be over and done with.
They walk outside and he begins to explain himself, and this definitely seems like a rehearsed script. Who says “when we both parted our ways” in real life?
He tells Becca that he wants to marry her and there’s a lot of mumbo jumbo that I can’t be bothered to list out. It’s every dumb cliche that you hear in a movie, and it’s so cheesy I want to die.
When Becca finds out that Ross spoke to Arie, she wants to scream at him. Eventually he leaves, and we can get back to regular scheduled programming.
This was so unnecessary and set up, ABC thinks we are SO DUMB.
The best part of this whole episode is reading people’s comments and tweets about it. People on the internet are SO FUNNY. I love you all!
Becca runs to Arie, and he just makes me so uncomfortable when he comes into contact with another human.
Arie tells Becca he’s afraid because 7 years is a long time, and he doesn’t want to deal with it if there is still some love there.
There’s a rose ceremony tonight? WTF. Don’t they usually eliminate the final three in the last episode?
Whatever, Kendall is going to go home because she’s the only one he didn’t say he loved. He said he’s FALLING in love with Kendall.
Also, Arie 100% wants Becca more now that he knows there’s hot ex Ross on the horizon ready to sweep her off her feet when she lands back in Minnesota.
Arie ONCE AGAIN pulls Kendall to the side, and Becca turns to Lauren and says “This is an ongoing theme” and Lauren feels like she’s going to throw up.
Did Arie just let her go? I wasn’t paying attention.
There is a car waiting for her, so yes, he did let her go. Or maybe she let herself go? No idea, don’t care.
It was classy of Arie to not break up with Kendall in front of the other girls.
God, I can’t wait for next week. Half because I want to see how everything plays out, and half because I can’t wait for this to be over.